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Battle of the Sexes
Man Versus Woman!   |
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The Infamous Battle of Man Versus Woman
How do you know if you're in love,
in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a damn.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who
knows.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think
about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your
partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your
partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
*Engagement ring
*Wedding ring
*Suffering
8 things you'll never hear a man say :
8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are
just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of
being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to
figure out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a
designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales
clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?"
"There are three types." replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the Salvation
Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the
masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills."
DID YOU EVER USE ANY OF THESE?
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much
less the same building)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
perspective thing)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men
10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly)
2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly)
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly)
Quotes and Statements From Famous Women
*"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda Radner
*"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an
assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted
as a male schlemiel." -- Bella Abzug
* "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they
should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Katharine Hepburn
*"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher
*"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness Edith
Summerskill
*"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee
*"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
*"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country." -- Elayne Boosler
*"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look
stupid." -- Hedy Lamarr
*"There are two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works." ~Unknown
*"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson
"A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want."
*"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every
morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late
at night." -- Marie Corelli
Back to Top
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
(prepared and presented by men)
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine
(formerly - "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
8. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translation (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I love You")
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals
(formerly- "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your
Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schimittment
(formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
24. To Honor and Obey:Remembering the Small Print Above I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
SEMINARS FOR MEN
(prepared and presented by women)
1. Combatting? Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9 . Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass? When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the
Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down
(formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You
(formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits"? From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g spot?
A guy will spend the whole afternoon looking for a golf ball........
The perfect day according to HER:
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pound lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend/husband's ex - notice she's gained 50 pounds
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The perfect day according to HIM:
6:45 Alarm
7:00 Shower and massage
7:30 Blowjob
7:45 Massive dump while reading the sports section
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli bloody mary
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta
9:30 Front 9 Augusta National Golf Club
11:30 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens
12:30 Blowjob
12:45 Back 9 Augusta National Golf Club
2:30 Limo to Augusta airport, Bombay Sapphire martini
2:45 Lear Jet to Nassau, Bahamas
3:30 Afternoon of fishing with all female crew
(topless), catch 1,249 lb. blue marlin, grilled
tuna and steamed lobster appetizers,
6 Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Lear Jet back to O'Hare,
total hot oil body massage intransit
7:30 Shit, shower, shave
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation,
Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal
involving graphic pictures and large farm animals
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carleton: Oysters Casino, 20 oz. filet (rare),
gorgonzola salad, fettucini alfredo,
Chateau Laffite Rothschild 1963 (magnum),
creme brulet, Louis XIV cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women
(at least two of which are of mixed racial origin)
11:30 Whirlpool, steam, massage
12:00 Women quietly get dressed, hail cab, and leave
12:05 Sleep
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
19 times you went soft before you got in
59 times you worked too late
43 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
26 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were making love to the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything about
it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell
there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went
to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting
really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad
at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was
bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was
upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love
him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell
that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going
to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried
to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he
rather watch TV? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping
he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so
hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through
emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an
intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted.
So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I
just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was!
I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know
what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused.
I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind
games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
Played badly today...shot 90...can't putt worth a shit. Felt kind of
tired. Got laid though.
Yeah Baybee! There's More!
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